The Wedding - Jason & Tracy

This is my cousin Jason, he is my Mother's Youngest sister's oldest son. Him and I grew up together and we were more like brother and sister than like cousins. Yesterday, September 4th, Jason got married. I was conflicted by this wedding on whether or not to even go. I wanted to go, but then didn't want to go. See Jason's now wife, Tracy, and I used to be close also and something that I'm not even too sure on happened and she turned on me. Turned on me by telling everyone who asked why I wasn't at their parties that she wished I was dead and could F off. Yes, she said it numerous times. Hearing a rumor from one person you go hmmm and question it, but hearing the same thing from five different people who each hadn't known I talked to the other well now that is believable. I never knew what this was all about and when I questioned what is all this mess about Tracy ran and told my cousin that I attacked her in front of her family on her Facebook wall... ahhh no I sent her a private email and asked her. This was not an isolated incident, she has done this to others around Jason as well. But this put a wedge between me and my cousin for the last few years, a cousin I was so close to. So the day he told me he got engaged I didn't act happy or surprised, I just didn't know what to say. What do you say?

Over the course of them planning this wedding they had a few get togethers, one being the engagement party and the other being a co-ed Jack and Jill shower with an after the shower party at a local bar. I of course attended them all, contrary to not wanting to, I did it for my Aunt. Jason Mother's, my Aunt Kathy, is my God Mother(and also who I was named after) and she helped my Gram raise me when my Mom worked so much. My Mom worked 2nd and 3rd shift for the local GM Engine plant when I was a kid and even at one point took a transfer to a Massachusetts plant. So I spent a lot of time with Jason and his brother Justin. Justin eventually ended up moving across the street from me, well he no longer is now that we are moved. But, my Aunt's kids were always my closest cousins and now my Jason was getting married.

Do I go? I didn't even RSVP when the invitation came. My Mom sent her's back as +1. One day my Aunt calls and asks my Mom that Jason was wondering if I sent back my RSVP that he didn't get it. He was wondering if my Mom was bringing a guest of if her guest was me or did my RSVP get lost or have I sent it back. My Mom told my Aunt that I was not going and she only RSVP'd +1 in case I changed my mind and wanted to go. My Aunt had no idea what was going on or why I would even consider not going to Jason's wedding. I had finally explained to her just a week ago what had all happened and she told me that Jason finally figured it out, that after I started FWD'ing the text messages I was getting from his friends that he figured it out it wasn't me at all and now he had felt bad and really hoped I was coming to the wedding. See previously at the after the shower bar party Tracy walked up to a group of us standing outside, Jason included, and asked Jason what the F was I doing there? This is the type of behavior one would normally see out of her, but it took Jason by surprise and yes the rest of the night them two fought over me being there. Jason did stand up and say she is family and with us that's why she is here. I told him that night I was not going to come to the wedding I did not want to be around that drama that my feelings were constantly getting hurt, hurt mainly because I was not asked to be in the wedding... yes of course Tracy threw that in my face on St Patty's day - that I should be in the wedding and she purposely did not ask me to. But at the wedding there was someone in it that no one knew, she was a sister to another bridesmaid and was only in it because someone backed out and they "had no one else to ask" yet here I was still not in the wedding.

Reluctantly I did go and my Aunt even made me go through the line after the ceremony to Congratulate them both. Tracy and her fake hug and smile and Jason hugged me so hard he almost squeezed the breath out of me. While at the reception I had to sit there and watch the wedding party all having fun together and this ate me alive. It ate me alive to sit there and see all this going on it ate me alive that my Jason got married and I wasn't a part of it.  Of course after dinner they newly wed couple made their rounds to the tables to say their Thank You's. Tracy once again with the thank you for coming and now Jason yet another hug telling me how much he loves me. This hurt this felt like the knife went right through my heart yet once again. Many many years ago I dated a very well known bartender and I started to take Jason to the bars with me. I introduced him to a friend that then got him a job bouncing in a local night club. Jason is a big boy 6'6 and over 300lbs of course he'd make for good security in a bar the sheer look at him no one would want to mess with. My friend gets him this job at the bar he was working at coupled with me introducing him to my boyfriend at the time's friends in bars, well this paved the way for Jason to do a lot of bar and concert security and also allowed him to meet new people. All of which were .. wait for it... in the wedding party. All his friends he is so close with now are all friends he met while working security. Never once did I get a thank you for getting me that first security job... never once over the years and here he met Tracy while working at a bar at the Chippewa Bar District. As fate would have it..

Am I bitter? I am very bitter over the way the past few years have played out. No one liked Tracy in the beginning and I stayed her friend and why she threw that knife in my back I don't know? It was over a text message that was a joke that I even said LOL in... she doesn't take jokes very well I suppose, as some would also tell you.

So I sit here today, still with feelings hurt and I cried myself to sleep last night over it all. My brother and I grew up a part and Jason filled that void for many many years. He helped me when I needed it as I did him, he protected me from weirdos, he even threatened an EX boyfriend of mine if he didn't leave me alone he'd be six feet under. Yep that was my big brother Jason. My Jason who now is all grown up like me and got married yesterday. I guess writing about this makes me feel a little bit better, not much because my heart is still shattered. My Mom said Jason even thanked her for bringing me..I'm happy for Jason that he got married, yet I'm not? Is that selfish of me? I was quiet during the whole reception, I talked to others and also to family, but I didn't hang around Jason where ever he was. I even made a video for them of the ceremony that I tried putting onto a disk to give to them at the reception, but of course the disk was too small. I told him about it at the reception that I will put it all on a DVD and give it to him when he gets back. They are going to Alaska for ten days.. a train from Washington to Alaska then a 4 day cruise then a train back down to Washington.

The video can be seen at Jason & Tracy's Wedding September 4, 2011

Below is my favorite picture I took of them and I like it black and white better than color. Their wedding was a 1920's theme so the black and white looked much better...

Jason & Tracy September 4, 2011